D-U-N

"Are these all yours?" the lady at Costco questioned, my receipt hanging in her hand. At first I thought she was questioning whether the basket of food was all mine. Then I followed her gaze to where my 3 older children were helping each other get their coats ready for the downpour outside the door. For a split second I was tempted to say, "Are you kidding lady? I've never seen those three hooligans in my life!" But then I looked at them five feet from where I was standing ... no one was screaming, they weren't fighting, they weren't dancing around oblivious that they were knocking over an elderly person ... they were just three really cute kids.

"Yes," I said. "They are all mine."

I'm still struck daily with the enormity of being a mom of four. Actually, I'm struck dumb at the fact that I have one, two, three, four children I've borne. Children I have to clothe, feed, and care for, not to mention be a wife to their father (which, BTW has taken a permanent backseat until further notice). I haven't been silent about the fact that I feel D-U-N. That's right. Put a fork in me and take me out of the oven. The bun baking oven, that is. But then I said the same thing after I had Little C. I'm obviously conflicted. To illustrate, I'll relate two experiences I had this weekend.

Experience #1

As I sat around the table with two of my friends Friday night, our pictures and kitschy do-dads spread out in front of us, I said to one, "You have four too, it's complete chaos, and yet there you are saying that you want more, with a smile on your face. How?!?"

"You forget," she quickly replied.

Experience #2

Saturday night I found myself wanting more. Baby Honey was in the arms of another woman, sitting next to me at a church function, and I was struck with the fact that I will miss being the one who gets to take the baby home. I will miss being the one and only voice who can soothe. I will miss being able to say, "Oh. He's getting fussy. Let me have him." And having complete dibs on little cheeks and chubby fingers.

Tying this up in a neat package is beyond my mental abilities right now. I'm back to being "done" after an evening like I had yesterday. But I can forsee three reasons why that might change: 1) I have a angelic visitation that commands me otherwise; 2) We get another "surprise" like Mr. M; 3) I change my mind. For now, I'm content to make a glutton of myself on my daily dose of Honey.