Nursing Preparedness

Dear Rachel,

In preparation for impending delivery, I wanted to post these suggestions that I found on the Internet.  The list might seem scary and daunting for a first-time mother.  You'll probably chuckle nervously and wonder if I'm kidding.  But let me tell you, to an experienced veteran, it is priceless.  Each Day should be followed to the "t" in order to prepare you and your spouse for the joys of breastfeeding.  

Believe me when I say I only have the best intentions as I give you this information.  As you may recall, I was quite bitter and disillusioned after having Mr. M.  I felt that I had come up against the "great mom conspiracy" whereas I was not informed of the details of motherhood.  So it is out of love that I disclose it all to you.  Please check back in the near future for more information.

Your loving sister,

Julia

P.S. I didn't write this piece.  An unnamed comic genius, no doubt.  It was published on the web 2 years ago.

How to Prepare for Nursing: 

Day 1- Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.

Day 2- At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.

Day 3- Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing I Feel Pretty.

Day 4- Open you already crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.

Day 5- Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on medium pile. Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.

Day 6- Obtain DO NOT CROSS tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it say, Get used to it.

Day 7- Tape a waterballoon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.

Day 8- Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.

Day 9- Record your mother proclaiming, Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night. Play in an endless loop at 1 AM, 3 AM, and 5 AM.

Day 10- Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your backyard.

Day 11- Go someplace public- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.

Day 12- Suckle a wolverine.

Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.