Give and Get

The birthday boy, 2006.

On this the birth day of my third baby (now 5) I was reflecting on my motherhood life.  Actually, I started reflecting a while ago on this subject and have yet to come to any great conclusions.  But I did have an epiphany.

With each birth of a child I've given up an important part of myself.

With the first, I gave up schooling, ending my educational path a semester early in order to graduate and start bringing home the bacon (really SPAM) for the family.

With the second, I gave up my full-time employ, which I loved.

With the third, I gave up on running my own home business.

With the fourth, I gave up on pretty much every thing else ... scrapbooking, writing, sewing for fun ... there just wasn't any time for any of it.

And now I come to where I am today.  Today, I found myself thinking about everything I've sacrificed.

It might have been triggered by a report I heard on NPR last week.  It was a woman in the midst of a divorce and two teenage sons.  She had chosen to quit her job and stay home with the kids, working part time occasionally.  Since she was looking down the barrel of a nasty divorce, which would leave her with little income, she was trying to reenter the job market.  And not having much luck.  That's when bitter came in.  She said, in essence, that she felt that any young mother would be foolish to sacrifice all her potential, both monetary and experience, for raising her children.

This disturbed me.  I had chosen to stay home.  Had I given up more than I bargained?  Where would I be when I tried to pick up the pieces and reenter the working population?

But today, I realized, yes, I've given.  But I gotten in return.  Aside from the typical and simply wonderful joys that come with motherhood (seeing the world anew, being seen through your infant's rose-colored glasses, chubby hands reaching to clutch yours) my children have given me personal little gifts, I might not have received otherwise, along the way.

With my first, I stopped attending school and coincidentally stumbled upon a job posting for a full-time university position at the paper working the graveyard shift.  Had I not been pregnant, I never, ever would have applied for that job.  And as a result, I got to work for 2 1/2 years doing something I loved, learning new things and teaching new students.

With my second, I had to find a new job.  One I could do at home.  So I decided to pursue my dream of running my own design business.  For four years I designed and made invitations and announcements.  It was a crazy, up and down rollercoaster.  But I did it!  And now I know.

With my third I learned how to let go.  How to really love my baby and enjoy the time playing, laughing and growing together.  His gift was the absolute delight I felt at being a mother.  The real privilege I had failed to recognize until then.

With my fourth, I've been given the gift of clean slate.  This is a bitter sweet gift.  I'm still trying to figure out how to proceed with this one.  But there it is.  What will I write for my next chapter?  How will I use my time?  Once this little one is on his way out of babyhood and into childhood, who will I be?

I've said before that I think children are essentially a mirror held up to our souls.  They help us ferret out the unkind, selfish part of our natures and make us more loving and Christ-like in the end.  But they also are keys.  They can unlock parts of our potential, if we let them, that we might not otherwise find on our own.  By their very nature, they force us to change.

For all its ups and downs, I'm grateful to this part of my life.  The give.  The get.  The push and pull.  To love and be loved.  It's part of process of creation: shedding the old, embracing the new with each new soul who has come into my life.