Late into last night DH and I were talking about our favorite subject lately: our changing children and their challenges. More accurately, how we as parents need to change with them and adapt to their new needs.
We've been in the small-child rearing game for quite some time now. And its usual tactics of small rewards, praise and even some veiled verbal threats of lost consequences hold little weight with our now budding pre-teens. They can match our words with their own, and we are left with nothing in our arsenal but to choose more threats or to resort to parental bullying. Neither of which bring us closer to a solution or even closer as a family, for that matter.
We were sitting in our bedroom, when the house was cleaned and quiet, talking about some of the exchanges we had that night at dinnertime. Each of our children are in various stage of emotional development. One is in the lying/whining/needy stage, which we've seen before, and know will pass. He just needs a little structure and constant encouragement and love to get to the other side where I know he'll blossom back into the happy, fun loving kid that he is. Another, our oldest, is changing so much. And it's all new to us. He's showing a lot of maturity when it comes to admitting he's wrong and apologizing. That's huge for him. But at the same time, he still has the initial "train-has-derailed, throw-the-baby-out-with-the-bathwater, world-is-coming-to-end" attitude that tends to get him in trouble in the first place.
It started with him pacing out of boredom and hunger while I was preparing dinner. I told him if he didn't have anything else to do, he could help me by unloading the dishwasher. He said no, he didn't want to. Then DH told him he should. Which turned into a job instead of a request. Resistance, negotiation, threats ... it all just escalated from a simple favor to war between parent and child.
In the end, he quickly apologized for his attitude and lack of willingness to help. We talked it through. And we all ate our pancakes in peace.
But how do we avoid the escalation in the first place? As parents how do we stay focused on our supposed maturity and not take personally their verbal torpedos, only to send out our own in response?
I don't have the golden standard for proceeding in these waters, but I did strike upon a golden rule last night as DH and I talked: As parents we've only failed when we strop trying to become better.
We all hope we don't ruin our first and that we get it right by the last. We pray for our children. We pray harder for ourselves ... to be forgiven, to root out our own weaknesses, to be more like the Exemplar. Each day growing. Hoping each day to become a little better than the last. And life is one eternal round.
4 years ago
6 comments:
Oh, I loved this post. Being in the small-child rearing phase of life, I have no idea the challenges you now face, but I'm glad I have you on speed dial to help guide me through my current waters. The last paragraph had me crying. Does it matter what stage you're in? Because I pray every night for my kids and especially for myself.
Great post. We are all muddling through these uncharted territories. I am constantly asking Heavenly Father for forgiveness and help to be better.....I think that the mere fact that we are willing to be parents and that we are trying gives us some lee-way.....at least this is what I hope.HOPE.HOPE!!!
I agree a great post. And by the way, I too take hope in the concepts of your post, for your mother and I continue to pray for our children and as you for ourselves. We also pray daily for our grandchildren. I really think that multiple generations are needed before one can really begin to take stock of any real success in these areas. Then I remember just how wonderful our children are and realize how wonderful they each are individually and hopefully I didn't spoil too much of that. Even then, the credit doesn't even begin to belong to us but rather to the Father of our fathers and the Mother of our mothers, from whence all good really comes.
Oh, Julia! I just love reading this post because I am right there with you. Then I read your dad's comment and starting getting teary! The Olsen's sure are a great crew!
Julia, love ya! LOve reading your blog. It's not always the parents being more patient, the truth is parents need to take an emotional step backward. Don't ride that emotional rolly-coaster! React like a professional. Make kids aware of the luxuries they have - nice house, computer, meals,TV, CD's, etc. and these luxuries can be taken away. If Mr. M didn't want to empty the dishwasher he didn't need to eat supper. He's old enough to understand consequences.
Parents shouldn't always handle their children with kid gloves. Don't always negotiate with them.
Oh, dear, here I am giving advice again when it wasn't asked for. Please don't grind your teeth at me!
G:ma
Amen, Amen, Amen. I have similar experiences. Thank you for your thoughts. While I sometimes have to consider time outs for myself it is comforting to know that I can say I am sorry and try next time to be better. Sometimes I think my children are better at that than I am.
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